This week I’ve been dealing with some serious loneliness, and Eli being in Florida with his family this week has made it harder. I’ve stayed relatively busy, but I’ve also allowed myself to sit in silence. I’ve set intentions. I’ve meditated, done yoga, and these things have made me feel very happy and whole. But there is still a little rip inside of me, hurt and torn by the events of the past few weeks.
I’ve found some really beautiful things to add to my life. I’ve listened to wonderful podcasts, found great books that are extremely exciting to me (oh to be happy about books again!), utilized my oils and crystals and really got in tune with this springtime magic that’s all around us right now. There are moments in the silence where I feel good and strong and okay. But then there are others where I do not. I feel weak and lonely and I doubt everything I’ve done and I feel sad and angry and jealous mean and bad.
So I just wanted to be honest about that. I haven’t written a blog post until now this week because I haven’t known what to say. There is a void in my life. I also feel like there’s this unspoken pressure, this expectation that at this time, I will not write. I will not say anything, because I don’t have “nothing but nice things” to say. But here’s the thing, I think that’s a mistake. I don’t think shutting up is really an option for me. I think honesty is my only option, and the only way for me to heal. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I want to be as a creator. Is it a fiction writer? Is it a film maker? Is it a television writer, a short film writer? Is it a non-fiction writer, because I’ve fallen in love with blogging honestly about my life? Yes to all of it, I think. Although I’ve fallen in love with non-fiction writing, I sometimes wonder if I say too much. If I’m too honest, if I say more than I should. But then I think, no. Because there is something revealed in the too much that I find beautiful. I think by sharing our hard stories we give others permission to do the same. There is something beautiful in brutal truth shared. I only have permission to tell my own truths right now, and that is perfectly fair. It’s all I ask for.
So this is a promise. I’m not going to hide out anymore. I’m not going to tuck myself away anymore, shamed and hiding and whatever the hell else. I’m here. No one is punishing me but me. This week I’ve kind of learned how to accept myself. I’ve done more work this week than I have in the past two months. I’ve spent more time alone, more time watching great shows and listening to good music and READING. So...this is okay. I keep remembering another time when I was alone and felt this isolation. My mind keeps reminding me that I f*cking got through it.
Late last week my boss told me my schedule couldn't, in fact, change until the fall because the library is moving to a new building this summer and they need stability in this time of change. Which is understandable. When she first told me, however, I was frozen. How the f*ck was I going to manage this?! Find a new apartment, finally finish my book, work 35 hours a week, and maintain a relationship from a (albeit short) distance. But by the next morning, I felt like I could. I still have my Wednesdays off, which is great. I still have Sundays. And at the end of June, our Saturday hours will be cut shorter. So I'll have more time on the weekends. And I've found, these last two weeks, that the amount of space I have has doubled. Maybe because I don't have such a long commute, which I insisted for so long that I didn't hate, because I could listen to audiobooks. Maybe because now my Wednesdays off are spent in complete isolation, so there's nothing to do but work.
But I'm doing it, little by little. I'm trying to stay in the right here and now, and not panic about the future before it even becomes a problem. I have the whole weekend off this weekend. We're going on vacation in about two weeks. I'm going to be okay. It's hard for me to admit when I'm wrong about a situation. I don't want to see the negative in people or things. I strive to always see the positive. And that doesn't mean I don't see the truth when it's evident, but sometimes the truth is harder to see. I think this situation that I just left was unhealthy for both me and Eli. I don't think it was good for him to never have his work life end, either. I don't know what exactly was unhealthy for me there, but I know that it was, because this underlying anxiety I have felt for the past six months is just completely gone now. Vanished. That doesn't mean I don't still experience anxiety, but the undercurrent of unease is gone.
Today I did a tarot reading, and got the Hermit card when I asked, "What energy am I being welcomed into today?" I feel like that is a very accurate description of where I'm at right now. I'm being welcomed into an energy of isolation, of loneliness, of one-ness. I'm being welcomed into my own shell, and invited to find peace being at home within myself. I'm trying to answer that call right now, and leave the darkness and negativity behind me. I'm trying to create my own light, and light my own way forward.