At the start of last week, the schedule was full of plans and my stomach was full of anxiety. Every night something was going on. There were plenty of forward moving plans, progress, action and energy. But as I looked at my full schedule, I of course got anxious. And then I got anxious about being anxious, which is my least favorite type of anxiety because it is so STUPID. It made no sense, because these things on my to do list were cool and exciting things. Monday night was auditions for my web series. Tuesday night I was to stay late to take down an art show in the amazing gallery that I've started in the library. Friday night I was going to have my team over to work on the script. Why on Earth could I not just be excited about it?
Eventually, I became determined to do just that. I made my intention for the week: Remain joyful and grateful through each day this week. Progress is scary. I'm not going to sit here and say I didn't experience anxiety last week, because that would be a lie, but this little intention did help me to remain more mindful throughout these experiences. I think my default setting is anxiety. Whether I was programmed that way or whether I programmed myself that way, it doesn't matter. The button was pressed in, worn from age, and then smashed with a sledgehammer. Now, it is unwilling to release and let me press another one. But that doesn't mean I can't figure out a workaround to change my default setting. It doesn't mean that anxiety has to be the only way I am. I'm working to get the button fixed, and in the meantime press new ones even if the anxiety button is still locked down. I'm choosing to do things despite the presence of it, despite the knowledge that it might show up unannounced, in the hopes that it won't.
After all that, I really did enjoy last week. I found a way to do everything with ease and excitement. I made some pretty exciting progress with my web series, excelled at work, and found some extra love with Eli. It felt like we were overflowing with love for each other, knowing the exact right things to say and how to love each other best. I could feel us growing, remaining more mindful through the difficulties, and bonding together stronger than ever before.
We took off Saturday morning for a weekend of coffee shop visits and hanging with my sister in Troy. After a full day of exploring, we inevitably crashed for a bit at our Airbnb, hangry and not so eager to go out again for food. We ended up at a beautiful little restaurant eating the best meal of our entire lives. We spent an entire hour having our minds blown by this food, and then actually went OUT to a sort of low-key bar/club. We didn’t stay long, because let’s be honest here, we are not "club" people, but we did it. Sunday morning found me nervous, worrying about getting back to my life and all that it includes. Back to the planning, projects, progress. We ended up leaving Troy sooner than anticipated, just because we had already checked out of our Airbnb and had nothing left to explore. Naps were calling us home.
I feel nourished, proud, and encouraged by this weekend. Encouraged by how we encourage each other to grow. Encouraged by how we are getting better and better at this life thing. Encouraged that I’m generally much happier than I was last year. Encouraged by how I feel prettier, better in my own skin, lighter and less weighed down by existential dread. It’s exciting. Here's hoping I can continue to stay mindful through the progress.