This theme of being “in alignment” has been coming up for me a lot this month. Am I physically in alignment? Meaning, is my spine being routinely adjusted, and am I doing the prescribed exercises and yoga to keep it that way? But more than that is this idea of: am I in alignment with my soul? Am I putting myself in the way, on the path of, what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Am I getting close to what is going to make me happy? Am I in alignment with myself? I think another element of me getting in alignment with myself is me being honest here.
I've been feeling a little depressed lately. And depression is ridiculous, because it doesn’t really look or sound like I am. But I'm not where I want to be, and it’s getting to me. And I'm torn about it. The warrior part of me thinks: shouldn’t I use not being where I want to be as motivation to move forward? Shouldn’t I not speak of it, and quietly hustle until I get to where I want to be, because talking about how I'm not where I want to be just gives the universe permission to keep me here? But then I think, NO. That just perpetuates this idea that people just magically get where they want to be, and you never see the tough, hardworking, unhappy in between. I don’t want to constantly show you guys unhappiness, but jeez, I at least want to be honest about it all. Because if I get where I want to be eventually, and someone stumbles onto this blog, I don’t want them to see me as yet another impossible standard, another thing they can’t live up to. I want people to see how hard I worked to get there.
Right now, I’m not in alignment. But how could I be? Last week I had two days off right in the middle of it, because winter decided it wasn’t done with Central New York yet. But when I got back I didn't feel better, I felt worse. It made the week harder, because I had just seen how great everything could be. On my two days off, I read and wrote more than I had in the weeks before. I think I’ve underestimated how having so little time to myself is effecting me. On those snow days, I saw how happy I could be if I wasn't at this day job from 9-5, five days a week, which obviously made me sad when I had to get back to work. On top of all that, my headaches were especially persistent last week. Every single day last week, I had a headache of some length or intensity. I became desperately sad about it towards the end of the week, because I don’t know why the hell they’re happening and I just want them to stop. Actually, I do know-- it's because my spine is ridiculously curved and is putting pressure on my brain stem, causing the intense non-stop headaches. But there’s another thing: if I speak honestly about how I'm miserable because I've had a never-ending headache the entire week, is that bad because it invites more of it in?
I've always said that I'm a storyteller. Joked that because of that, I'm a liar. Inherently, I always thought that writers were liars. But I don't know, maybe I'm a truth-teller. People who lie really piss me off. And when I have to spend all day at my job pretending I'm okay when I'm not because I have a blinding headache that makes me feel like I've completely lost myself, I get mad at myself! I don't want to lie. When something- a relationship, a situation- isn't working, I literally cannot hold it inside of me. I always, dramatically, crack open in a puddle of tears and emotions. Because there's no other way through the pain for me.
I don't know if that means I'm not a fiction writer. But I think that for right now, that means I write openly, honestly, sometimes painfully so, about my life.
Last week was full of things that I never saw coming. But, seeing as I’ve been plagued by the Two of Swords in my tarot readings lately, that’s not altogether surprising. The Two of Swords indicates blockage, and signifies that there is something you can’t see, because you are unable to see it, or you don’t want to see what the light will reveal. That element came to light this weekend, and it was far from easy. But now it’s out there, and it's already beginning to heal. It’s easier to cope with the truth that you know rather than the truth that you don’t. I realize that a lot of life is not knowing the answers. Not knowing what’s going to come next. I’m trying to be okay with that.
Yesterday, I hung out with one of my favorite people, and we did tarot readings for our creativity. The essence of mine was: I'm getting there. I'm planting seeds right now that will lead to a prosperous future. Quite honestly-- I understand and recognize that, I just wish seeds didn't take so freaking long to grow. I've always known that I'm somewhat of an impatient person. I want the answers, and I want them now. I want to be better now. I want to be where I want to be right now. But that's not the nature of seeds. Seeds need to be tended, cared for, and nurtured, day after day. Even when it's hard and you don't want to. Even when it's 6 am and you don't want to do yoga because your bed is warm. Even when it's 5:30 pm and you really don't feel like stopping and getting adjusted because you just want to go home. Even when you feel TOTALLY FINE, and you'd much rather watch The Mindy Project than go to therapy. But getting better, finding happiness, getting where you want to be is all about showing up even when you feel fine. It's about nurturing those seeds every damn day, even when it feels like there is no way they're ever going to sprout because literally you have been watering them for six freaking months and there's still no evidence that they're alive. It's about persistence, patience, and endurance. On an unrelated note, I'm not very good at keeping plants alive.