There's nothing like having a week where you are literally able to accomplish nothing-- due to your body's complete inability to do anything-- to make you entirely rethink your approach to productivity. This week, only the basics happened. On Monday I got my blog/vlog posted. Then I lurched through the days to follow, dragged down by sickness and expectations of me. But I still got done what was absolutely necessary. Uploaded the thing. Emailed that person.
And suddenly, being productive took on new meaning. It started to mean doing what made me happy. Going out for an hour to catch Pokemon, just so I wouldn't feel like crap for doing absolutely nothing at all the rest of the day. Eating dinner with friends. Reading. FaceTiming friends in California. I started to let my body tell me what it was capable of, and listen to it. Being dragged down to nothing makes you have an appreciation for mobility, energy. When I was at my worst, I sobbed on FaceTime to Eli about how I was afraid I wouldn't get better before my first day at work.
But now, productivity is back to normal and I'm starting to feel like I need to catch up on all that I missed. Make up for the time I "wasted" while I was sick. And I don't know what to do about that. I'm afraid that I'm starting to slip back into old ways of being, where nothing is ever enough for me and I never feel fulfilled. And aside from Pinning article after article about self-care and being a morning person, I don't know how to tackle this.
But what I'm really wondering going into this new week is-- How do you decide if you love something or hate something? I spent the latter half of this past week deep in the pre-production and filming process of my new short film. And it's always a strange feeling, because when I'm in it I really have no idea if I love or hate making short films. I'm so eaten up with stress and anxiety right now, but I know when the final product comes out I'll say that it was such a learning experience and I'm so glad I did it. So this is sort of a call-out post. Fran, which is it? I have no idea. I'm sure the people around me don't know either, because every other day I'm having a mental breakdown and crying and getting headaches and Eli has to calm me down and tell me it's all going to be fine and get done in the end.
Here's all I know now: 1) I love writing things, and watching the things I write come to life. 2) I'm a control freak, so I really do need to be in charge of those creative evolutions in order to feel fulfilled. 3) I'm really good at scheduling and organizing. 4) Scheduling and organizing stresses me the eff out. 5) Despite all of the ups and downs and headaches in between (and the fact that I can never make things run as smoothly as my brain would like), I love making films. And it sort of goes against my better nature, because I love when things are easy and simple and come together perfectly, which filmmaking absolutely is not. From my experience, filmmaking, as much as you may try to give it some order, is chaos. It is ugly and messy and dirty and time consuming and exasperating. But for some reason, I can't stop doing it. Maybe this is growth?