Moviegoing has made me kind of anxious lately. I don't know why, because the movie theater has always been one place where I never got anxious, but lately it's been almost crippling. I was randomly paranoid/anxious during Deadpool in February, and had to leave the theater before the end of The Jungle Book just a few weeks ago. And I've been feeling really down about it, because I've started to think that maybe I can't do this thing that I love anymore. Maybe I'm too broken, too fearful, too paranoid to go to the movies anymore.
Truth be told, I guess I've always had a little bit of anxiety related to going to the movies, but it's really just small stuff like needing to be there 20 minutes early so I can pee and get a good seat. Never before have I felt so anxious and unsafe that I needed to leave.
All that considered, though, I'm never going to be the kind of girl who doesn't see a brand new Marvel movie opening weekend. So Thursday night, I found myself at an early showing of Captain America: Civil War, and I was more than a little anxious, for a few reasons. #1: My car had been hit while parked in my library parking lot just a few hours before; #2: I was in a tiny theater full of strangers; and #3: I was about to see the film adaptation of the first comic I'd ever read. You could say there were a few jitters.
I got a movie that was worth the anxiety, and I proved to myself that this isn't a battle I have to give up on. Anxiety is just that. A battle. Just when you think you have a handle on it, it changes its tactics, changes its mind, and you lose your grip on control of it once more. But much like Captain America, it's not gonna finish me off. And it's not gonna hold me back.